


Transantlanticism

by wordcraze



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 18:29:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1867953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordcraze/pseuds/wordcraze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn and Harry are two bloggers that meet on Tumblr. They strike up a friendship, which eventually turns something more. But the distance between them becomes difficult to deal with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transantlanticism

> _I need you so much closer._

Harry is unsure about a lot of things. He's unsure about the future, and what he wants to do in life. He's unsure about the girl in his philosophy class who had made it clear she wants to date him, despite him avoiding it. He's unsure how many times it's possible to wear a pair of jeans before it becomes dirty enough to wash. He's unsure how his Tumblr blog steadily gains thousands of followers when all he does is play covers of his favorite songs. 

But he's sure about Zayn. 

Harry remembers when he first stumbled across Zayn's blog, and how he had been in complete awe of the boy's artistic talent, both in words and drawings. He wished he had Zayn's effortless way about prose and poetry, and how he can do intricate sketches that would put most artists' work to shame. Zayn was able to create in a way that no one could, and Harry had wished to do. But like most artists who deserve praise, his Tumblr posts would only get a handful of notes as opposed to Harry's thousands of notes. Even a stupid text post consisting only of "I ate a banana today" would get hundreds of likes, which truly baffled Harry. 

Another thing that baffled him is the fact that Zayn follows him on Tumblr. Now, Harry is the type to exchange casual flirtations online, but it's nothing too serious (he's an avid watcher of _Catfish_ and he's not too keen on the same thing happening to him), and he doesn't even know the names of his followers. But he wanted to be the first to approach Zayn, and he felt incredibly silly being nervous about messaging someone online because it's only a few words in someone's inbox, and it's not like he's going up to someone at a bar. 

" _I've been following your work for a while now and it's amazing. You're really talented._ " 

That was all it took. Harry often thanks his bravery to make the first move. 

He doesn't think of himself as incredibly interesting, and he's surprised that Zayn often initiates their conversations, which only means Zayn _actually_ wants to talk to him. Harry can't complain because Zayn is the only person he enjoys speaking to on a daily basis. 

They speak via Tumblr messages, Instagram, Twitter, and they eventually move to texting, which feels more intimate than communicating through their various social networks. Zayn rarely posts photos of his face, and when he does, Harry feels his insides collapse, and his head become lighter and lighter. Zayn's face is a work of art, and for a brief moment, Harry was afraid he would end up on an episode of _Catfish_ , but their frequent FaceTime sessions put his fear to rest. 

Fuck. Zayn is so beautiful. And what a small word that is to describe everything that Zayn is. And truth be told, there isn't a single word, sentence, paragraph that could explain what Zayn means to Harry. He could fill books, write countless songs, and none of it would be enough. 

"Do your friends know about me?" Harry asks during one of their FaceTime sessions. 

"My friends? Like my real life ones?" 

Harry rolls his eyes, but he doesn't say anything, only because Zayn isn't dumb, and he understands what he means. Zayn wrinkles his nose, then he shakes his head. 

"I haven't been, like... vocal about it," he finally says. "People aren't too supportive of online relationships." 

"But it's not an 'online relationship,' Zayn. It's just a 'relationship.' And I don't see why you've got to be embarrassed of me." 

"I'm not _embarrassed_ , Harry." 

These conversations have become frequent, and it frustrates Harry that Zayn is so quiet about the state of their relationship. It's not as if they're officially _boyfriends_ , since Harry is still afraid to even bring that up, as Zayn doesn't even speak of it. Their feelings for each other are evident, but Harry doesn't want to push it. They call it a relationship, but Harry is unsure what the rules are, or if there are any. He wants there to be rules, but it's difficult to put those in place, especially when they live on opposite sides of the country. Harry in California, and Zayn all the way on the East Coast. It's not easy, but Harry tries as hard as he can because out of everything in his life, he's sure about Zayn, and he thinks this is worth it. 

Sometimes Zayn is skeptical, and it's quite hurtful especially with all the emotional energy Harry puts into this. He's never tried so hard in his life, and all he wants is for it to be reciprocated. And he knows it is, but Zayn's fear often pushes through, and Harry often has to tell him that everything will be okay. 

Zayn sends Harry photos or pieces of poetry, accompanied with a message like "This reminded me of you," and it means the world to Harry to have someone think of him like this. Just to have someone think of him at all. Having a big following online is something, but it pales in comparison to being with the one person who is everything to him. 

\- - - 

It's not easy being in this position. To have the person you connect with in every way be on the other side of the continent, not knowing what they're doing, who they're seeing, and if they decide to drop you at any second. These fears grip Zayn every day, and he tries to brush it off, but every time he sees Harry's face on his screen, or hears his voice over the phone, he knows it'll completely shatter his heart to lose him. It's why he makes up excuses to leave. Maybe if he gets out of it now, he won't fall deeper. 

But he never leaves. He can't go through with it. 

And when he tells Harry that none of his friends know about him, it's not exactly the truth. 

"How's your internet celebrity boyfriend?" 

Zayn is laying down underneath the shade of a tree on campus, and he opens his eyes to see Liam's face staring down at him. 

"He's not my boyfriend," Zayn grumbles. 

"Yeah, but he's your _something_." 

Liam isn't wrong, so Zayn doesn't reply. 

He remembers when he first told his friend about Harry, and how nervous he had been. But if he hadn't told at least one person, his thoughts would have driven him insane, and he was grateful to have Liam. The boy was patient and understanding, and he never approached the subject with judgment or amusement. It was serious to Zayn, so it was serious to him. 

"You ought to do something about that, I think," Liam says when Zayn remains silent. "The boyfriend thing. It's been, what, nearly a year of talking?" 

"Eight months." 

"Nearly a year, then! Don't you think you should move things along? Like, say... a trip out west?" 

Zayn sits up, sighs heavily, and runs his fingers through his hair, "A trip out west," he repeats with a dry chuckle. "I wish it were that easy, but in case you hadn't noticed, we're on the east coast, and it's not exactly a drive around the block at the cost of the usual cab fare. It's romantic, Liam, but no logic." 

Liam rolls his eyes, "What a sad way to live. Denying romance because it lacks logic. Fuck logic. At least do yourself a favor and take your relationship to the next level." He gave Zayn a little push before rushing off to his next class. 

\- - - 

Harry isn't sure what's come over Zayn, but he likes it. They have coffee dates over Skype, watch movies together, and talk until the late hours of the night until one of them falls asleep. Zayn often checks up on Harry throughout the day, and it seems like he's memorized Harry's class schedule, so he texts him right before class, and after. 

They're on FaceTime as Harry is walking to class, and he fixes his earphones while smiling at the screen. 

"Did you know," Zayn says, "That there are more lifeforms on your skin than there are people in the world? You're made up of tiny, little universes." 

"So I've had the fall and rise of empires happen on my arm?" 

"Billions of lifeforms have fallen in love with each other on the nape of your neck. Billions more are holding hands and strolling down parks on the corner of your lips." 

"Are there lifeforms falling out of love too? And fighting?" Harry frowns a little at this thought. 

"Fighting, yes," Zayn replies. "Little disagreements that couples have, occasionally. But falling out of love, no. Every inch of your skin is made of love." 

Harry bites his lip, and he has to catch his breath. Right now, he feels all the little universes that make up who he is radiating with warmth. Zayn is right. He is made of love. 

\- - - 

It's getting harder and harder for Harry to dodge the girl in his psychology class. He bolts from the classroom the second they are dismissed in hopes of avoiding any of her advances. And it's not like she's _not_ pretty. He understands why she's being so forward, since she's probably never been turned down before. And he would have no problem saying "thanks but no thanks," but it was the awkwardness of actually having to do it that he was avoiding. 

Today, she grabs him before he can run out of the room. 

"Harry!" her voice his high, and her grip tightens on his arm. 

"Hi Kate," he says courteously while trying to tug his arm back. "What a lecture, huh?" 

"Yeah, and it's like, I don't really understand anything, so I was wondering if you'd like to be my study buddy!" 

Harry hesitates. On the bright side, it's not a date. But he knows what's to be expected of "study buddies" since he's seen enough teen movies that showcase the true definition of the phrase. Perhaps if he's adamant on things being strictly for school, she might back off. 

"Erm... okay, I guess that's not a bad idea," he responds, despite feeling that it could very well be the worst idea. "Text me when you'd like to get together." 

It doesn't take too long for Kate to text him, and she contacts him a few hours later. Harry really isn't too keen on the idea of going anywhere with her, since it doesn't take a genius to know what her true intentions are. She wants to meet in an isolated corner of the library, but Harry is aware of what goes on in isolated library corners, so he insists that they go to a well-lit and public cafe, and she grudgingly agrees. 

Kate takes photos more than she studies. She snaps shots of her coffee, and plenty of Harry, and she fiddles around on Instagram while he sits there, wanting to be anywhere else but here. He looks down at his phone, and he sees that he has a text from Zayn. 

" _I miss you,_ " it says. And that's enough to get Harry through the study session. 

\- - - 

Zayn smiles as Harry's face fills his laptop screen, and he watches the boy pick up his guitar, and he starts to tune it. 

"I learned a new cover," Harry says. "I thought of you when I heard it, and maybe it's a bit sappy, but whatever. Please don't laugh." He clears his throat, and strums a few chords, then he starts to sing. 

> " _I'm lying on the moon_  
>  My dear, I'll be there soon  
>  It's a quiet starry place  
>  Time's we're swallowed up  
>  In space we're here a million miles away"

Zayn watches Harry in awe, and his chest tightens around his fluttering heart causing him to inhale sharply. He never knows how to react, and all he knows is that he's falling deeper. 

> " _There's things I wish I knew_  
>  There's no thing I keep from you  
>  It's a dark and shiny place  
>  But with you my dear  
>  I'm safe and we're a million miles away"

He wants more from this. He wants to have Harry in every way possible. There's nothing more in the world he wants than to have him close, so he could care for him, love him, and give him everything that he can. 

> " _We're lying on the moon_  
>  It's a perfect afternoon  
>  Your shadow follows me all day  
>  Making sure that I'm okay  
>  And we're a million miles away"

Zayn watches Harry put down his guitar when the song is over, and he's patiently waiting for a response, but Zayn needs a moment to gather his thoughts. He can tell that Harry is getting nervous, so he knows he has to say something, but the first thing that comes to mind is: 

"I love you." 

By the look on Harry's face, Zayn has accidentally said it out loud. 

"You... what?" 

Zayn hesitates, trying to think of a way to somehow get out of it, but he knows it's too late, and he has no choice but to accept that it's now out in the open. 

"... I love you," he repeats, and his eyes flicker down to avoid looking at Harry's face, but then he forces himself to lift his gaze. He needs to stop being afraid, and to finally acknowledge his feelings, because he knows they both deserve this. They both deserve to be happy. 

Harry's cheeks are flushed, his eyes are wide, and his lips have formed a little "o" of surprise. There's a silence, and Zayn is about to speak again, but he's abruptly interrupted with Harry's response. 

"I love you too." 

\- - - 

It happens quickly. They breeze through the transition of almost-dating to official in a matter of days, and they justify it as making up for lost time. Harry repeats the word over and over in his head. _Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend._ Like he can't get enough of it, and he has to remind himself that this is finally a reality instead of a vivid dream. He has high hopes for them both, and he even starts to save up money so he can visit Zayn over the summer. 

Harry is very vocal about his new relationship status, especially on his blog, and he can't help but show Zayn off every chance he gets. He's careful about it on his other social networks with his real life friends, since he isn't one hundred percent out just yet, even though he wants nothing more than to brag. He decides it's alright to be subtle about it, to hint that there is someone in his life. 

Unfortunately, this doesn't put Kate off. If anything, she's become more forward, if that were even possible. But Harry doesn't let that dampen what he's feeling, and he just holds on to his relationship with Zayn. 

"I really want to see you," Zayn says during their nightly phone call. "I want to be able to touch you." 

Harry pauses, wondering if he should go down this route, and he decides to just do it, so he replies in a low voice, "What would you do to me?" He hears Zayn inhale sharply, and he smiles to himself. 

"I'd... kiss you everywhere. I'd leave no inch of your skin untouched. And I'd keep that going until you were begging for it." 

Harry is too aware of the sudden tightening in his boxers, so he slides his hand past the elastic waistband, and tentatively wraps his fingers around himself. "Yeah? Go on. I want more details." 

There's silence, and Harry can hear Zayn's heavy breathing on the other line, and he wonders if his boyfriend is touching himself too. "I'd kiss down your chest, and your stomach, then I'd move lower and kiss your inner thighs. I'll run my tongue along your..." there's a pause, and Zayn giggles a little before uttering the word. " _Cock_ ," and he giggles again which causes Harry to let out a breathless laugh. 

They've never done this before, and it's almost ridiculous, but Harry is so hard, and by the sound of Zayn's low, raspy voice, he's feeling the same way, and they need to get off somehow, but they'll just end up laughing over it. But they end up doing FaceTime, and Harry's completely overwhelmed by the sight of Zayn with his hooded eyelids, his long lashes casting shadows over his face, and his lips parted while touching himself in long languid strokes. He wants to be there, and put his face between Zayn's thighs, feeling him harden in his mouth, and tasting him on his tongue. He's desperate and hungry for it, and the thought of all his senses being filled with nothing but Zayn quickly brings him to his climax, and he's pleased to see that they both finish in unison. 

Harry's never wanted anything so badly in his life. 

\- - - 

For the first time in his life, Zayn is completely happy. Sure, he's upset that he can't talk about Harry in public as much as he wants to, but he fully enjoys what they have together in private. He likes to reread Harry's Tumblr posts about him, and he's surprised with the sudden surge of followers he gets just by being associated with Harry. He has to be careful though, since he's not too keen on real life people coming across his blog. But he thinks to himself... isn't it time to stop hiding? 

He's told Liam, and his friend is over the moon, wanting to know every single detail. Zayn leaves out the frequent phone sex, but he tells him how he's battling with finally coming out to everyone, friends and family, because-- 

"Harry is worth it," Zayn says. "Being with him is worth everything. I need to just do it even though I'm scared out of my fucking mind." 

Liam grins, "Look at you! In a relationship, making choices, making sacrifices, this is romance at its finest. I'm proud of you." 

Zayn snorts and shakes his head, "Don't celebrate just yet. I'm still trying to figure it all out. How to tell everyone, I mean." 

And he does think about it. He imagines all the ways he could come out, especially to his family, who would take the news the hardest. He thinks about maybe inviting Harry to visit him so he can have his boyfriend by his side for support. Then after the hard part is over, he can finally be fully happy with Harry. And when they're done with college, they can get a little apartment, and spend their days together without a screen between them. Zayn knows he's getting ahead of himself, but he can't help it. He wants everything with Harry. 

He likes how much Harry talks about him on Tumblr, but he notices that he's a bit more subtle on other social media like Twitter and Instagram. Zayn gets it. It's where all of Harry's real life friends are, and there's a little twinge in his chest because he _wants_ them to know that Harry is taken. 

There's a girl that Zayn notices on Harry's Instagram, and she's always all over his posts in the most obnoxious way. He cringes at her comments and dumb emojis, but he brushes it off as nothing. Just another irrelevant fangirl. But out of curiosity, he goes to her Instagram profile. 

" _I'm Kate! Live.Laugh.Love!_ " Heart emoji, smiley face emoji. The usual girly profile. 

Zayn tries to ignore the fact that she's blonde and pretty, with an amazing body, and quite possibly everything that Harry could want in a girl. He does try to ignore all of that. But what he _can't_ ignore is the fact that Harry's photos are all over her Instagram. Photos of him alone, photos of them together at cafes, and libraries, and outside on campus. All of these were captioned with some stupid lyric, or a fucking heart. Maybe she wasn't so irrelevant after all. 

He doesn't want to jump to conclusions, but it was hard not to. He's not there to monitor Harry's every move, so what's to stop the boy from having a real life relationship all while leading someone on online? Zayn feels sick. He turns off his phone and his laptop, and he spends his entire evening curled up on his bed. 

\- - - 

Harry is nervous. Zayn hasn't texted back, nor has he posted on his blog. Harry checks every single one of Zayn's accounts, but nothing has been recently updated. They hadn't talked for an entire day, and to Harry, that's an eternity. Their conversations are usually constant, so this silence makes him feel physically ill. He calls Zayn for the third time, and leaves another voicemail, his voice high, shaky, and desperate. 

Has he done something wrong? Did Zayn decide to just drop him without saying anything? That certainly would be easy since Harry can't exactly go up to him face-to-face and demand an explanation. He's on the verge of crying, and his finger hovers over Zayn's name on his phone, ready to call him again, but he's startled by his text tone. And it's a message from Zayn. Harry's heart stops in his chest, and he opens the message. 

" _Sorry._ " 

It's just one word, but Harry feels a sharp pain in his chest. " _Sorry for what? I haven't heard from you all day. Where were you?_ " 

This is all too familiar. Zayn's one word responses, the long pauses between replies. Harry knows Zayn is angry about something or doubting their relationship again, and he can't help but feel frustrated and downtrodden because he had worked so hard to build them up to what they are now. He's unsure of what he's done wrong. In fact, he's pretty sure he's done nothing wrong. 

" _I don't know what I've done to deserve this_ ," Harry writes. " _But you need to use your words and respect me enough to give me an explanation._ " 

After a long silence, Zayn replies, " _are you sure this is worth it? I'm here you're there. How do you know something is going to work out?_ " 

" _Nothing's for certain, Zayn. I just know I love you. Isn't that enough?_ " 

When Harry is answered with nothing but silence, he thinks that maybe he's wrong. No matter how much love he gives, maybe it's not enough. Maybe it'll never be enough. 

\- - - 

Zayn blames himself. It's his fault for falling in love with an illusion. It's his own fault for falling in love with words on a screen, artfully arranged into sweet words. He never stood a chance against dimpled smiles and green eyes. This is why he forced himself to retreat, no longer posting on websites, and using the internet for only school work. 

He hasn't talked to Harry in a month, and it's killing him. 

He thinks it'll get easier with time, but he's only fooling himself when he pretends that the weight on his body doesn't get heavier with each passing day. Everything aches, right down to his bones, and he wonders if he's made the right choice. Sometimes the right choice can hurt, but he when he starts feeling pain in places he didn't even know existed, it makes him wonder if it was even the right choice at all. 

It's the last day of finals, and he drags his feet back to his dorm after completing the final class of the semester. What should be a time for celebration is severely brought down by the fact that Harry would usually text after every class, but the screen remains empty, as it has been for a month. Maybe he needs to force himself to accept that he messed up, and to move on. Harry had probably moved on with that girl, and if she makes him happy, then that's all Zayn could ever want. She would be Harry's reality, which is better than being nothing but words on a screen. 

When he approaches his dorm, he sees a boy sitting on the steps, blocking his way to the entrance. And as Zayn is about to ask him to move, he suddenly stops, and nearly drops his books. 

It's strange how different a person can look in real life as opposed to a photo on the computer. Harry's curls are longer, a bit out of control and has to be held back by what looks like a scarf, and it looks so silly, but it's overpowered by his overall... _everything_. His eyes are tired and a bit puffy, but the green sparkles a little, especially when he smiles. He's taller than Zayn expected, but then again, he's just so much more than what he imagined, and he gets lost in just staring at him instead of questioning why he's here in the first place. 

"Harry..." Zayn manages to find his voice, and his body his shaking a little. "What... what are you doing here?" 

"Couldn't sleep," Harry says. And he laughs a bit, like it's meant to be a joke, but he's wringing his fingers, and his voice trembles. "I mean... I really couldn't sleep. Four hours a night at the most, and it's driving me mad. And it's your fault, it's all your fault. If you hadn't left, then-- no, look, I came here not expecting a confrontation, but I'm so angry with you, and I'm just so fucking tired, and I want you to tell me why you did it." 

Despite the circumstance, Zayn is surprised to feel the weight slowly lifting from him just by having Harry a few feet away. This isn't the way he imagined their first meeting, but Harry is physically here, and after a month of absolute torture, this was the sweetest release. If Harry can travel across the country, then Zayn can give him a real explanation. 

"I was scared. Okay? I was angry, scared, and everything in between. I saw your photos with some girl, and I didn't want you to regret throwing away something real for some guy you met online. And I thought you'd eventually leave anyway, so I thought if I sped up the process, it wouldn't hurt as much, but I made a big fucking mistake, and I'm just... I'm just miserable." 

Harry looks confused for a moment, then his eyes widen in what looks like realization. "Kate?" he says the name with a mixture of surprise and disgust. "All this because of..." his face screws up in pain. "Fucking hell, Zayn. If you'd just asked me, you'd know that she's just some girl who's absolutely mental, and you'd also know that _you_ were the realest thing in my life. You still are the only real thing in my life," he throws up his hands in frustration. "After a whole month of not talking to me, I took a chance and showed up, so if you still think you're not real, then--" 

Zayn cuts him off with a kiss. He doesn’t plan this. In fact, just like their first meeting, he’s imagined their first kiss to be different too. But everything is spontaneous, surprising, and absolutely wonderful no matter the events that brought them to this very moment. He’ll apologize later, and he’ll beg for forgiveness, but he refuses to let Harry go. And in the way Harry kisses him back, all of Zayn’s doubt melts away, and he wonders if there’s anything else as real as this.


End file.
